D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. |
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. |
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. |
P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. |
D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. |
F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. |
M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " |
BUYAGRA Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. |
J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. |
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. |
N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. |