When I walked the dog, I kept having pains that scare me.  I'm not afraid of death.  But, it saddens me that I haven't learned how to really live yet.  For the first time, I don't want to die.  It's time to do something about it.  Not just the physical stuff.  It's time to learn to care for my heart emotionally too.

Time to get out the Tarot cards to help feed my soul.

Also, my websites.  Simplify.  For example, RBAs.  Put the text file and all pictures together in RBA directory.  Work on the text file, not the html file for now.

Reality is whatever it is.  We can never step outside of it to know it objectively.  

I see science as attempting to stand outside reality in order to describe/understand it objectively.  Spirituality is about the EXPERIENCE of reality, what it's like from the inside out.

Even in physics:  All is energy, right?  But, what is energy?  We keep finding smaller particles.  But, they turn out not be so much particles, but more just patterns of movement.  IOW, all is just energy/movement.  But, movement of what, by what?  

We cannot get outside reality in order to know the answers.  We're stuck inside it.  Our minds are just a part of it.  Our minds can't step outside of themselves or reality in order to get a better overview.  So, that will just have to stay unknowable for the time being.

Reality from the inside is all about feelings and thoughts.  Invisible and confusing.  It's hard to know how real things are on that level.

My heart aches.

A candle flame to symbolize the spark within each of us.  To find a contact point with 'god' or with myself.

It's like all my gods/angels/demons are all within me/within my psyche/aura/soul/energy field/mind/whatever.  I've always been too afraid of my demons to allow myself to open up too much to spirit.  I want the good, but not the scary or painful.

I need to find a better way to live.  I don't have that much time left.  And, if I don't change, I'll have even less time.  My heart needs more.  My heart feels crushed by my negative sense of reality.  My heart needs more beauty and inspiration.

I really do need someone to talk to.  Someone that I can communicate with in my own 'language'.

When I'm feeling needy and looking for God, I can't find.  When I'm happy, I feel the presence strongly.

I look at all my 'stuff' and it's ridiculous.  Stop buying stuff.  Yes, a REO would be good.  Some cartomizers, ok.  But, get to know and use what I have more fully.

It's like we're in a smoky haze.  The swirling dark thoughts and ideas hiding the truth, hiding the joy.